Nostalgia

It is strange to me how people believe that, in the time when they were children, everything was right with the world. Men were men, government worked, people only slept with socially approved partners, all was rosy in the land. At some point in the 50's, or in my case the 60's, paradise was evidently to be found on Earth, but ever since, an inexorable decay has afflicted the nation, and everything has made it's inexorable progress straight to hell.

I myself do not remember particularly enjoying childhood. I remember a fellow who was even more shut-off, rigid, and defensive in some ways than he is now. A fellow who was incredibly impatient to do and hear all those things that you can only do - when you are older. I remember moments that still seem almost perversely humiliating and embarrassing, such as loosing a fight, and hiding under a trailer crying in rage and humiliation, only to have the fellow who beat me, and everybody else in the neighborhood, come over to feel sorry for me and ask me whether I was all right. Things simply could not have been any worse as far as I was concerned. I remember another moment in second grade. I saw a group of boys from my class all fighting another kid, I had no idea who he was. I joined in of course. It was just being part of the crowd, the pack, exciting, something different, like when the fire alarm went off and you got to go outside. The unfortunate recipient of our mob attack acquitted himself quite well everyone agreed. It was only many years later, when that image of the moment appeared in my mind that I realized - the kid's Hispanic... and I was in an all white school... that's what we were fighting about. I had no idea at the time, none whatsoever. I don't remember seeing him again after that day. All these sorts moments return to me at odd times, afflict me with defensiveness, hostility, humiliation as though they were present at this moment. Where is the rosy glow to be found?