A more perfect vacuum

I went out to a bar that opened recently in this town. I fought my way through to the bar. Two women languishing there looked at me. Don't look at me I thought. Got to have my brain properly anesthetized before I can deal with having this many people around. They were not so happy with the most likely crazy person standing there waiting for a beer and saying nothing. After I got my beer, I stepped back from the bar and had a look around while guarding my beer from all the crowd of people who were seemingly determined to run into it and pour it down the front of me. Band doing greasy renditions of 80's tunes, check. People milling about endlessly, check. Everyone in some state of somewhat desperate display, check. This is a meat market. I would have thought the town was too small for this sort of thing. Everyone here must know everyone else's business - how could you go out and pick up someone without it being universal knowledge to everyone at Sunday School? Somehow, whenever I stand in an empty spot in these places, this becomes the spot everyone absolutely must, absolutely must walk through, even if it is a corner leading nowhere. I migrated here and there and eventually ended up behind the two women once again. A fellow walked up to them in full conviction of his excellence. This was not looking so convincing to me, but no trace of doubt was troubling him. He spoke to them for some time, but inevitably was found to be unworthy and sent away, no trace of a dent on his own inherent excellence to be seen. Afterwords it was of course necessary to discuss the exact nature and details of his unworthiness, a conversation that I was perhaps fortunately too far away to hear over the band. The guardians of the gates of paradise, as they seemingly style themselves in these places, are very particular. They are evidently seeking some very particular magic incantation which must delivered in exactly the right form. I see no chance that I will ever guess the words, and if I do, I shall surely pause a little too long, or not quite long enough, or stutter ever so slightly.