Astrology

A friend of mine once long ago gave me the nickname of "Mood" because of my impossible mood swings from friendly to hostile over some tiny nothing of a turn of phrase, something said I didn't agree with, whatever. The memory of this nickname returns to me regularly and I make a show of living it down... with a notable lack of success. I go forth with the idea that I will attempt to leave my isolate existence and associate with the human race, but one never quite knows what the heart will have in store for one when one arrives. (I call the heart the "chest" in this guise, a place of poisonous and circular turmoil, as opposed to the "heart" which would always have some idea of reaching toward the good, if doubtful on the means at times). I blame astrology for these moods. (Actually, I do nothing of the sort. They seem mine entire, to the point of laming all progress. It would be better if I did, I might be able to walk with somewhat more ease in that case). Some couple of days ago I had one of these attacks. I went out to Starbucks feeling perfectly sane on the way there, sat down, and found myself surrounded by a toxic, squishy, sticky region. People all round about were throwing off tiny, most microscopic gestures intended to get me to pay attention to them. I would simply not yield to any such underhandedness. A clear boundary would be marked, they would stay on their side, I would stay on mine, and, maybe, after a due interval had passed, and they had done sufficient penance, I would suffer them to exist. I had not an attack of this sort of mood for at least a few weeks. It was a complete surprise, and enough to remind me of my nickname.

Now, when I got home I had a look at my transiting planets, and found something, (there being so many indications and so many things that might mean this or that in Astrology one almost always will find something). That day we had Mercury conjunct natal Neptune and Saturn square natal Saturn - good enough for a heap of unpleasantness by some lights. Nothing unusual about finding some indications. When I feel my chest is burning and I simply must do something, whether a good or bad idea makes no difference, I have a look and find that Mars is square to something or other, like as not. I have no idea what to make of this. Do I have some unconscious calculation going to set my mood appropriately? I don't check these things all that often, but the indications are only of my inner moods, never of events, and so infinitely maleable.

I began to investigate Astrology some years ago. I had determined that I was utterly at a dead end and wanted some insight that would give me some guidance to whatever blind spot was holding me back. Some years earlier I had made a passing acquaintance with Astrology, and been amazed to find that the planets in the signs seemed almost like a map of my personality. I found this quite amazing at the time. I was much of the opinion that, if one found something that seemed to work, or gave insight, the correct approach was to lay out its internal logic and consequences, and not attempt to argue until you understood its inner workings. And so, at a time when I had more time than sense and no direction to steer at all, I began a fairly thorough study. I found more impediments and obstructions in my personality, many more than in my first brush with Astrology, but I only seemed to see things which I had discovered by painful trial on my own. I had ground along some painful track - and look, there it was in the chart as well. Was there insight in this, or was it only interpreted in - I still really cannot say.